The Gift of Reconciliation—The best Christmas present you can give your family this year might be the peace brought by resolving a long-standing conflict.

By Kate Peterson

Maybe it’s an unspoken uneasiness because your brother Paul never chips in for your parents’ Christmas gift. Or perhaps Ellen, your youngest sister, stopped coming home for Thanksgiving a few years ago, and now avoids large family gatherings altogether. Or possibly there’s one family member—maybe even you—who doesn’t have any connection to the group anymore.

The holiday season can be a profoundly joyous time, but many families also experience pain, and even isolation, because of unresolved conflicts. While it may be tempting to ignore or avoid such situations, professionals say there is great value in trying to address issues that fracture families, and the holidays offer a good opportunity to take the first steps in mending fences.

The Rev. Dr. Fred Schramm, executive director of Samaritan Counseling Center in Fairbanks, Alaska, says holiday get-togethers are wonderful occasions for observing family dynamics and, with the right approach, addressing conflicts. “Family reunions and gatherings are opportunities for growth to take place,” says Schramm.

In addition to Schramm, we turned to the professional expertise of several Thrivent Financial members who are nationally certified pastoral counselors for suggestions on beginning the process of rebuilding family ties.

Private prayer is a great way to begin. “Rather than asking God for a direct resolution, ask for the courage to lift up a mirror so you can see and acknowledge your part in the situation,” says the Rev. Dr. Mel Jacob, executive director of Lutheran Counseling services of Winter Park, Florida. “Admitting ‘I had my part’ is the beginning of the act of confessing. From there, we can rebuild trust.” 

For those who have been isolated from all or a large part of their family, approach one person at a time. “It’s important that you not try to reconnect to the whole family at once,” says the Rev. Dale Kuhn, executive director of Care and Counseling in St. Louis, Missouri. Quite often, a large group discussion can go awry.

When approaching a family member you haven’t spoken with for some time, encourage him or her to talk about himself or herself first. “Don’t go in with an agenda,” says Kuhn. Start with a simple “How have you been?” Ask them about work, or their children. “After you encourage people to tell their stories, relationships can begin to build,” he says.

When family members are comfortable with it, public prayer is a great bridge-building tool. “I would urge the family to go out of its way to not just pray a rote prayer, but ask a family member to lead the prayer, and to include in that prayer a prayer for the family,” says Kuhn, adding that holiday meal times might be perfect opportunities to reach out.

Recognize that even if the members of a family who are at odds deeply desire an improved relationship, there still may be strain after working to resolve the situation and they may need to seek outside help.  And, cautions Jacob, relationships that have involved abuse fall into a separate area and often require professional help. 

As Jacob says, “They’ve gone through the steps—they should celebrate that—it is important to celebrate reconciliation. But if tension remains, they should go to a trusted pastoral caregiver whom both people see as someone who can bring wisdom to the situation and will keep the issues confidential.”

Granger, Indiana, resident Kate Peterson is a frequent contributor to Thrivent magazine.

Share your tips for resolving family conflict on the magazine message board.

Whose Home for the Holidays?
Can’t decide where to spend the holidays? Feeling pressure from both sets of grandparents this year? Are your teenagers resisting the suggestion to pack up and spend a week with relatives?

These thorny issues can be negotiated without hard feelings. Keep in mind: A decision to stay home or visit one set of grandparents this year doesn’t mean that’s how it will always be. Make sure you communicate to parents and grandparents that your plans will change from year to year.

Be flexible about holiday gatherings. Spending a week with grandpa and grandma might have been great when the kids were younger, but teenagers might need some time to themselves during their vacation, too. Consider making a shorter trip, or plan a visit over a long weekend before or after the holidays.

—K.P.