Family Time - Find space for loved ones in your life, whether it’s a quick dinner, soccer on Saturday or coffee with a friend.

by Monica Wright

Carving out family time can be tough. School to-dos, work deadlines and other pressing commitments can crowd kids, relatives and the closest of loved ones right off the calendar.

But how to change? "It’s about priorities," says the Rev. David Wurster, father of two grown daughters, pastoral counselor at the Samaritan Center and pastor of Salem Lutheran Church in Buffalo, New York. "A lot of families haven’t defined theirs."

That’s not to say it can’t be done. We all know people for whom family comes first. The Mobleys of Charlotte, North Carolina, are among that group. "We try to balance each other’s individual needs and time with family time," says Shelley Mobley, mother of two boys-ages 14 and 20. "Spending time together has to be an intentional, deliberate action taken by everyone."

Part of that commitment means saying "no," choosing a night out with friends or a visit with a grandparent over another hour at work or a second community education class. So consider your current calendar. Then reclaim a corner of time for your family and others you love. Here are a few ways to start.

Over a Meal
Studies say it, and Wurster agrees: One of the best (and easiest) ways to bring family together is around a meal, be it breakfast, lunch or dinner. And since the focus is on family, not food, it need not be a gourmet affair.

"A lot of people are still in a 1950s mindset—that a meal has to be three courses, and if you can’t do that, then you shouldn’t do it at all," says Mobley, executive director of the Lutheran Counseling Center, part of Lutheran Family Services of the Carolinas. "We eat together three to four times a week, even if it’s for 20 minutes and we’re having Subway^®." As long as the food is healthy and the kids are talking, it’s time well spent.

Eventually, she adds, eating together gets easier. "If you stick to it religiously, then other people will avoid calling or scheduling things during that time—they will understand that this is how your family does things."

At Play
Have a music critic at home? A child who likes to cook? Wurster recommends building family rituals around your children’s burgeoning skills and interests.

"Simple things that play on the strengths of your child will make it easy to create time together at home," he says. You could write short stories at the kitchen table, toss a football in the yard or start a family garden.

Or, you may choose to play away from home. When Wurster’s oldest daughter visits with her three children, the family usually orchestrates an outing, from fishing to shopping. "We have taken them to the Allentown Fair," he says, "and sledding in the foothills of ski country in New York." Bottom line: Make time to have fun together.

In a Meeting
Wurster suggests charging each child with an essential family duty—from answering the phone to taking out the garbage—and assigning that job at a weekly meeting.

"Some people are better organizers, for example, and it’s great to acknowledge that skill by putting a child in charge of the family calendar," he says. That way, no one gets left out when the family comes together.

Family meetings also can be a time for parents to reinforce the importance of togetherness in no uncertain terms. It’s OK to say, "You’re going to do it because we say so," Mobley says. "In our experience, the kids have fun more often than not, so it’s worth the effort."

Through Involvement
As children grow, many parents see extracurricular activities as barriers to togetherness, especially on evenings and weekends. Instead, Wurster suggests parents view extracurriculars as an extension of family time—a chance to get to know your kids better outside the home. "They might not show it," Wurster says, "but kids like it when parents pay enough attention to them to know what their favorite activities are."

Of course, "being there" can mean choosing between family and other commitments. When Wurster was a new pastor with young children, he often had to prioritize, skipping a ceremony or a meeting to attend a daughter’s sporting event or school play. Usually, he says, his congregants understood. "They encouraged me to spend time with my family." Just be sure to communicate and cover your bases.

In Service
Parents also can get their kids involved in work that’s important to them—community service, for example. This can foster connection and a broader understanding of your family’s values. The Mobleys serve meals to the homeless on a regular basis and participate in an annual walk to raise awareness about hunger.

"This kind of together time is powerful," Wurster says. "Those children will serve the community at a higher percentage rate, and that’s a blessing."

Whether you find time for loved ones in these ways or your own, it’s all about establishing a routine and sticking to it, Wurster says. "In music, one of the most important things is rhythm. If you lose the rhythm, things fall apart. That’s the same thing that happens to families who don’t incorporate time for each other into their lives. That baseline is gone."

Monica Wright is a frequent contributor to Thrivent magazine.

Quick Tip:
Shelley Mobley of Charlotte, North Carolina, is the first to admit she has a secret weapon: her family’s refrigerator calendar. Old school? Yes. Obsolete? No! "We use our refrigerator calendar religiously to note band concerts and camping trips," she says. "Sure, we miss deadlines, and that happens, but the calendar keeps us on track." Sticking one on your fridge could make all the difference

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