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It’s Time to Talk —
How to talk with your children
Six ways to spend less time talking at your children and more time talking with them.
by Gretchen Roberts
 Raising children in our frantic
world sometimes feels like a combination of near-constant discipline and shuttling them around town for play dates, school and sports. We
barely have time to make sure they’re wearing clean socks, let alone have opportunities to initiate deep, lengthy conversations. But
taking the time to talk with—and more important listen to—your child is one of your biggest responsibilities as a parent.
Here’s how.
1. Remember: every moment matters
When busy parents are running on autopilot, children feel the need to compete with the phone, housework or television for attention.
Try to encourage your child’s attempts to initiate a conversation, even if it’s not the most convenient time for you, suggests
Heidi Struve, Thrivent Financial manager of Lutheran community services in Sacramento, California.
“With younger children, conversations won’t be long, so taking five minutes out of your schedule is well worth it in the long
run,” says Struve, who used the Search Institute’sSM Developmental AssetsTM,
a framework of positive experiences and qualities essential to raising successful young people, in her previous work with the Washoe County
Department of Juvenile Services. “If you truly are busy, tell them you’ll talk about it later—and be sure to follow
through.”
2. Get to their level
When you’re towering over your child, there’s a perception that you’re in control. While this stance is ideal for
establishing authority, it’s not the best way to get your child to open up to a conversation.
“Children need to be looked in the eye,” says Dianne Blair, president of the Northwest Michigan Chapter of Thrivent Financial
in Traverse City, Michigan. “They already know you’re in charge; getting down to their level will sometimes facilitate
discussions.” Blair, like Struve, integrates the Search Institute’s
Developmental Assets into all her work with youth.
Taking the time to sit with your child and look her in the face also tells her you’re serious about what she’s saying. Parents
tend to think the problems of a young child are minor and insignificant, but to a child, they are of monumental
importance.
3. Use one-on-one time
Baking cookies, throwing a baseball back and forth and snuggling in bed with your child shows her you’re available and accessible, says
David Brown, a Thrivent Financial member and minister for adult education and family life at Trinity Lutheran Church in Clinton Township,
Michigan.
“Bedtime is an awesome time for a young child,” Brown says. “It’s a time to bring a sense of closure to the day
and to affirm one another. Saying bedtime prayers together gives your child a sense of security and a reminder that he’s loved by not
only you, but also by God.”
Don’t neglect small windows of opportunity such as car time, Struve says. “It’s a confined location and fairly
relaxed,” she explains. “Neither of you can go anywhere else, so you might as well take advantage of that one-on-one
time.”
4. Enter their world
Kids live for storytelling, singing, playing and imagination, and getting creative with communication will help you establish a connection.
If you ask your young child a straightforward question, he might not know what to say. But if the two of you sit down with some crayons
and start drawing, his personality will emerge, says Allison Van Roekel, a Thrivent Financial member and youth minister at St. Paul Lutheran
Church in Treynor, Iowa.
Also, take advantage of those natural moments of awe, Brown says, whether it’s pointing out God’s great world in the first
moments of spring, or teaching children about the resurrection and the hope we have in Jesus when confronting a death.
5. Downplay discipline
The easiest way to stifle your child’s openness is to constantly correct him when he’s trying to talk. When a true teaching
opportunity comes along, you’re obligated as a parent to take advantage of it, which means turning off the instinctive reprimands. It
won’t be easy, since kids aren’t always diplomatic with their speech in the height of emotion.
“It’s important to reflect back to kids in this age group, since they aren’t very practiced at identifying their
feelings,” says Struve. For example, if your son says, “I hate Bobby!” try reflecting back with, “It sounds like
Bobby really upset you. What happened?” instead of “Don’t use the word ‘hate!’” Helping them understand
their emotions now will pave the way for better communication down the road, Struve says.
6. Share the faith
The most important message you can share with your children is the assurance of forgiveness in Christ. Living a godly life, sharing
Scripture with your kids wherever appropriate, and sharing stories with them about how God has worked in your life and theirs is an excellent
way to encourage them to live the Christian faith, which is what we want for them most of all.
Gretchen Roberts is a Thrivent Financial member, mother and writer who lives in Fort Wayne, Indiana.
Listen to this...
The biggest benefit of listening to your children? Hearing some of the sweet, poignant and downright funny things that come out of
their mouths.
What does God look like?
I’m not sure what God looks like. The Bible doesn’t tell us. But I know that He is beautiful.
—Ryan, 7th grade,
Albuquerque
God has a beard and a mustache, brown hair about to His shoulders, and is bright as the sun in all of His glory.
—Margaret, 4th grade,
Albuquerque
How do your parents make you laugh?
My parents make me laugh by being themselves.
—Rachel, 6th grade,
Las Vegas
What do you discuss about Jesus with your parents?
I tell my parents that Jesus tells them never to give up on me.
—Daniel, 6th grade,
Albuquerque
When my parents talk about Jesus, they tell me everything is in His hands.
—Justin, 7th grade,
Albuquerque
That He loves me and died for us.
—Patrick, 7th grade,
Danbury, CT
What’s one of your favorite things to do with your parents?
I like to go out to lunch with my parents—without my little sister.
—Chelsea, 6th grade,
Las Vegas
My family prays together and talks about doing the right things.
—Caleb, 6th grade,
Las Vegas
How do your parents show you that they love you?
My parents show me love by giving me a roof over my head, food to eat, clothes to wear, and by letting me go to church and a Christian
school.
—Jamie, 7th grade,
Albuquerque
I know my parents love me because they tell the truth and they always say they love me.
—Kelly, 6th grade,
Las Vegas
What is heaven like?
I think heaven is paradise times 10. It is probably too good for words.
—Denise, 7th grade,
Albuquerque
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