If Only ... - Got that sinking feeling that only regret can give you? Here are some ways to deal with it and move on.

by Chrystle Fiedler

Should have ... could have ... would have ... We’ve all had a few regrets.

Maybe you wish you’d taken that plum job, finished college or held your tongue in a difficult situation. Now that you know better, you’d do it differently, but the fact is, you can’t. The good news is we all can learn from mistakes—and how to make better decisions next time. We also can free ourselves from the past and enjoy the present. Here’s how:

Finding Your Way Back
Much of moving on from regret is learning how to become more resilient. “Every person has regrets; it’s a question of what you do with it,” says Sheila Jowsey, M.D., an assistant professor of psychiatry at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota. “Being paralyzed with regret is not a highly adaptive or healthy way to proceed. You need to have a more durable coping strategy. Resiliency is about problem-solving, being flexible, trying new approaches and always looking for what can make your quality of life better.”

Research suggests that being optimistic is a good place to start. “Most of the studies at Mayo on optimism have found that people who are optimistic have a better quality of life or longer life,” says Jowsey. For instance, instead of saying, “I did everything wrong,” reframe it in a more positive way by saying, “I did the best I could, I learned from the experience, and this is what I’ll do in the future.”

“This doesn’t mean denying that there are problems, but it’s looking for opportunities rather than obstacles,” says Jowsey. If you aren’t naturally optimistic, being around people who are can help. “Choose a positive role model, someone who can cope with tough times and move forward.”

Forgive Yourself
Moving past regret also has to do with consciously forgiving yourself for mistakes you made in the past. “People often look for ways to blame themselves for not being good enough,” says Sheenah Hankin, Ph.D., author of Complete Confidence. A Handbook. “The past is a very useful way to do this because research shows us that people remember things as worse than they actually were.”

Often, people take it one step further by telling themselves: “My future is never going to be what I want it to be because of my past mistakes.” “This just isn’t true,” says Hankin. “You can learn from your mistakes and start over. Give up self blame, and stop seeing your memory as a predictor of the future.”

Instead, be honest with yourself about what really happened, says the Rev. John Parlow of St. Mark Lutheran Church in De Pere, Wisconsin. “If you’re honest with yourself, you can say: ‘There are some things I didn’t handle well.’ And you also can say: ‘I thank God for His forgiveness and His grace and His presence in my life that enables me to start afresh in the morning.’”

Moving On
Being active, whether that means going out for a walk with a friend who needs someone to listen or seeking out ways to volunteer at church or in the community, also can help you move forward.

“It helps you get unstuck,” says Jowsey. “There’s a tendency for people who have depression or anxiety to ruminate. Regret pulls you into a box that is solely focused on you. You have to break that cycle of thinking.” Helping others can be very beneficial. “It’s like a three-for-one special. You’re helping someone else, you’re not dwelling on regret, and you’re not socially isolated because you’re around people.”

It also can help to ask yourself: “What is regret keeping me from doing?” “Each of us has something important we need to do with our lives,” says Jowsey. “We have to embrace a sense of meaning and move forward. If you don’t, you’re not really living. You’re stuck in neutral.”

Sometimes, you have to start small. “At St. Mark, we encourage people to take it one day at a time,” says Parlow. “Start in the morning by thanking God for the things He gave you an opportunity to experience the day before. Ask Him to forgive you for the things that you mishandled. And go into this day knowing that you’re covered by the forgiveness of a God who often makes the miraculous routine, even in the lives of ordinary people like us.”

A New Day
Nourishing your spiritual practice can help you make better decisions in the future. “To have a good spiritual perspective as you walk through life in the 21st century, you need to have a good spiritual diet, a regular feeding on the Word of God, whether it’s in a small group Bible study, personal devotions, regular church attendance or dining at the Lord’s Table on a regular basis,” says Parlow. “With a stronger faith, we’re able to make God-honoring decisions and walk in His path.”

Ultimately, one of the most powerful ways to let go and move past regrets may be about viewing ourselves as God does. “When we look at mistakes we’ve made, we need to see ourselves as our Savior sees us, as valued, loved, saved people and forgiven,” says Parlow.

“It helps you deal with your past in a Christ-honoring way.” It also helps you see your future as a fresh start and a clean slate. And we can have no regrets about that.

Chrystle Fiedler is a frequent contributor to Thrivent magazine.

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