Living a New Normal— Thrivent Editor Donna Mulder has written many stories about people overcoming personal challenges. In 2005, Donna ‘lived her work’ in a way she never imagined when her husband was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer at age 48.

By Donna Mulder

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

It’s been seven months since Dave died, and we are adjusting to the “new normal” in our home. The tears come often. We miss Dave’s physical presence. I still expect to find him next to me in church, and I reach for the phone to call him when I’m not home. I’m comforted knowing Dave is no longer in pain. The cancer that wreaked havoc on his body and mind has been conquered.

I’m on a journey, and it’s one I hope others can learn from, just as I have learned from so many who have gone before me. This is my story.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

You never know where you’re going to find love. For Dave and me, it happened on a volleyball court in Appleton, Wisconsin, in 1990. Beautiful brown eyes, a propensity for mischief, a competitive spirit and his love for his daughter were a few of the things that caught my eye. Dave was 33; I was 24. A native of nearby Menasha, Dave had been diagnosed with epilepsy at age 17, but he never let it stop him from doing the things he loved most: sports, hunting, fishing and camping. With the help of medication, his seizures had been controlled much of his adult life.

We married in 1993. Our lives were wrapped up with Erika—Dave’s then pre-teen daughter from a previous marriage—church, family, friends and jobs. We bought a house, started saving for retirement and purchased some life insurance—hey, we were adults! Life was good, and it got even better when, in 1996, God blessed us with our son, Nathan.

Dave’s seizure activity, which had been sporadic at best, became an issue in November of 2002. Short-term memory loss and coordination problems forced Dave’s employer, a local door manufacturing company, to recommend he pursue permanent disability. At age 45, Dave walked out of his workplace for the last time.

I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth. Psalm 121:1-3

Dave became a stay-at-home dad. He helped with the housework, volunteered at Nathan’s school and visited the elderly at a nearby assisted-living facility. God had given Dave this time, and he was determined to use it for God’s glory. I turned my volunteer efforts to the local Epilepsy Foundation chapter.

Our Thrivent Financial representative encouraged us to get our paperwork in place—wills, powers of attorney and medical directives—documents every person should have regardless of health or age. I worked through the copy of Your Will Planning Guide that had been sitting on my shelf. A lawyer helped us finalize our documents, and it felt good to have that behind us.

With Dave’s health as a backdrop, we worked hard to keep life normal—a must with an energetic boy. If you’ve had a son who’s involved in baseball, football, basketball and soccer year-round, you know what I’m talking about.

In the summer of 2005, Dave, Nathan and I embarked on a much-anticipated two-week driving vacation that took us from our home in Neenah, Wisconsin, to Seattle, Washington, and back. I now know that our road trip was a perfectly timed gift from our loving God. It was the last time we’d be together doing nothing but having fun.

On the trip, we noticed that Dave’s balance seemed off more than usual. I attributed it to the altitude and time change, but a nagging thought said something was seriously wrong.

And my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19

Dave was admitted to the hospital July 9—one week after our trip. The balance issues worsened and soon he was using a walker, then a wheelchair. We were seeking and praying for an answer. The lone bright spot: Dave became seizure-free.

A week later, with no answer, we sought further treatment. After one test, Dave temporarily lost his sight. I wasn’t sure how much more I could handle. I was so thankful for family, friends, colleagues and even strangers across the country praying for Dave and our family. We felt each one.

Through it all, Dave recited a Bible passage from memory almost daily. It was Proverbs 3:5-6—the verse that began this story. He was trusting in his Lord.

The morning of July 27, doctors finally had a diagnosis: Dave had Parry-Romberg Syndrome, a rare disorder characterized by a deterioration of the skin and tissues on half of the face. It was treatable, and they believed Dave would again walk. Our hope had returned.

The Lord’s unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in Him. Psalm 32:10

Despite the diagnosis, Dave continued to decline. It was heart-wrenching to watch this once physically active man moved to a nursing facility for rehab services. This move brought me face-to-face with another reality: Dave’s medical directive no longer reflected his wishes and needed to be changed. He knew now that if his heart stopped, he wanted to be let go. He knew where he was going, and he wasn’t afraid to die.

The doctors scheduled a brain biopsy for Sept. 1, Nathan’s first day of school. There had been nothing normal about Nathan’s summer, and fourth grade wasn’t going to get easier.

In the days after surgery, it was not unusual to hear Dave singing hymns and praise songs from his bed, and the nurses encouraged him. Dave was not a singer, but everyone there knew his hope was in the Lord.

The biopsy resulted in a clear diagnosis, one that to this day is still hard to believe: Dave had inoperable brain cancer. They gave him four to six months. We moved forward with a plan to make Dave’s last days as comfortable as we could in a beautiful residential hospice facility.

One of the hospice nurses suggested I bring in a tape recorder to record Dave’s voice. Nathan loved playing “ace reporter.” From questions about football to singing silly songs, it’s all on tape. In addition, I bought three voice boxes from the local Build-A-Bear store and taped Dave telling each of us—Erika, Nathan and me—that he loved us. Each of us now has a stuffed animal—Erika a cat named Peace, Nathan a dog named Strength, and I have a bear named Honey—to remind us of Dave’s love. I play mine almost daily.

I spent as much time as I could with Dave. He was immobile on his left side, but with the help of a lift, we’d move him into a chair and go outside to enjoy autumn, his favorite season. The time for long conversations was gone, but you don’t need many words to express love. I began putting together scrapbooks celebrating Dave’s life. We laughed over the pictures and stories, and we cried over the dreams that would never be.

By early November, I was no longer working. Thanks to my colleagues at Thrivent Financial, who generously donated 12 weeks of their own paid time off, I was able to spend each day with Dave and the evenings with Nathan. Dave began to sleep more and eat less, but even while he slept, I was content to just be with him.

Quietly, in the early hours of Dec. 10, surrounded by family, Dave went home to be with his Lord and Savior.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort. 2 Cor. 1:3

Now, Nathan and I are adjusting to our “new normal.” Work and school, and a few other activities, keep us busy. I still tear up when I think of all the people who have stepped up to help us in our darkest hours—my colleagues who donated time off and organized a bike ride fund-raiser, church and school families who brought us meals, friends who took care of our yard, and all those who visited.

During the past few years, my focus was on Dave’s health. Now it’s time to take care of me—Nathan needs a healthy mom. I’ve incorporated a healthier eating plan and more exercise into each day, which give me the additional energy I desperately need.

I’m focusing on my spiritual and mental health, too. I’m filling my mind with God’s Word and prayer; putting Him solely in the driver’s seat of my life. And I’m working through the grief, through the thoughts and feelings that would be easier to suppress than address. I attended a local Grief Share program. It was a blessing to talk and cry with others who know the pain of loss.

Dave’s early death, while not part of my plan, was part of God’s perfect plan for our lives. And even though I can’t yet see the light at the end of the tunnel, I know that God is already there even as He is with me in the darkness. And I wait expectantly for what He has in store for our family.

Donna Mulder is a Thrivent Financial for Lutherans member and editor of Thrivent magazine.

More From Donna
For Donna’s advice on how to care for a caregiver, visit www.thrivent.com/magazine/links.

Miles of Support

Bike 175 miles? I thought they must be crazy—until my co-workers explained it was a fund-raiser to support my friend and co-worker Donna Mulder and her family.

The idea—Dave’s Ride: The Thrivent 350—was that riders from Thrivent Financial’s Minneapolis and Appleton offices would collect donations and ride 175 miles from each location and meet in Abbottsford, Wisconsin. We applied for a Care Abounds in Communities activity from the Minneapolis and Appleton employee chapters of Thrivent Financial. In all, we had eight riders and just as many support crew members.

Our team asked local businesses for free support. We received rental bikes, gear, energy food, discounted hotel stays and T-shirts for the three-day ride. Experienced bikers offered us advice and mapped our route.

Pledges started rolling in from all over the U.S. Our team collected $13,462. With the supplemental funds from Thrivent Financial, we were able to give the Mulders $17,950 to help pay for medical expenses and supplement Nathan’s education fund.

For the final few miles of the journey, the two teams joined up and rode with a special rider: Nathan Mulder. Donna and Dave’s son led us into Abbotsford, and he and his mom joined in our end-of-ride celebration. Their hugs and smiles were worth every sore muscle.

—Tara Perre

10 Things I Know Now

1. No one is exempt. Disability or death can strike at any time, any age.

2. Don’t wait to do your medical directives, powers of attorney and wills. Otherwise, when you need them, it will be too late.

3. Our summer road trip wasn’t just a vacation; it was a gift from God. Enjoy every moment together; you don’t know how much time you have.

4. There are vast differences between nursing facilities. Do your research and ask questions.

5. God’s peace and love are amazing, especially through the worst storms in life. Allow others to be His human hands and feet in your life.

6. Life insurance isn’t a nice-to-have; it’s a must-have. And the best time to get it is when you’re healthy. When I joined Thrivent Financial for Lutherans in 1999, I learned a lot about financial planning and realized we weren’t adequately protected. We took action.

7. Don’t ask people in crisis what you can do to help. Just tell them what you are going to do—then do it.

8. It’s important to pray for others, even when you don’t know what to pray. God knows.

9. It’s important to have at least one person you can be totally open and real with. Choose someone to be there to listen, but also to redirect you as needed.

10. Remember what—and who—is important. I’ll never regret spending my time with Dave and Nathan instead of being at the office.

 —D.M.