Caring for the Caregiver

By Donna Mulder

You want to clean my house for me? Well, maybe, but I’d have to clean it first. It’s nothing personal, and I value your friendship immensely, but I really just don’t want you to see my dirt.

What kind of thinking is that, you ask? I’m not sure, but I know it’s the kind of thinking I experienced as I cared for my husband, Dave, in the last five months of his life in 2005.

It’s not that I didn’t want people to help. I so appreciated all those who helped us in a wide variety of ways, from caring for our son to making meals for us to mowing the lawn. But it’s hard—really hard—to be on the receiving end, especially for an extended period of time. And it’s equally as difficult to know how to answer the question of “how can I help you?”

I’d like to offer some tips from my own experience—from things people did for us—on how you can help the caregiver in your life. A good rule of thumb is to think about what needs to be done in your own home or in your life on a daily or weekly basis. Then think about how you can offer that service to the caregiver in your life. (A blanket “how can I help you?” may result in “I don’t need anything right now.” But if you say “I’m going to bring a meal on Thursday,” they may say the date doesn’t work, but they also may at least offer you another day.)

Feel free to share your ideas in the Magazine Corner on Lutherans Online.

Meals

• Set up a schedule for meals. Be sensitive to the person’s situation. Are they home to receive the meals or would a different arrangement work better? The families at my son’s school knew I picked Nathan up from an after-school activity every Tuesday. So each week when I picked him up, they made sure there was a meal waiting for us in the school kitchen. We only needed to warm it up at home, or we could save it for the next day.
• Provide frozen meals. This also worked well for us. Friends delivered multiple meals that were already frozen. I just popped them in the freezer, and we always had homemade meals available to eat when we were home.
• Give the family gift certificates to local restaurants, including both fast-food and family restaurants. Those spur-of-the-moment stops to eat add up quickly, yet sometimes there isn’t another option. This enables the family to stay within their dining-out budget allowance. It also gives them an opportunity to do something fun together.

Children

• Offer to pick up their child(ren) from daycare or after school or be at their house when they get off the bus. This gives the caregiver more time with their loved one, or can even provide a brief respite for them to do something on their own.
• Take the child(ren) out to dinner or a movie, or just hang out playing a game or taking a bike ride. You don’t have to spend money on children to make a difference in their lives. It builds their self-esteem and confidence when adults actually want to hang out with them, even just to talk. And if Mom and/or Dad are gone a lot providing care, the children may need some extra attention.
• Play chauffer for the family. Today’s kids are very involved—sporting events, scouts, music lessons, etc. Offer to drive them where they need to go.

In the House

• Offer to vacuum the living room, dust the bedrooms or mop the kitchen floor. Be specific about what you want to do; that may take some of the reservation out of having someone come in to clean.
• Ask about the laundry. They may not want you washing their personal items, but what about the ironing? I had a friend who picked up my ironing a couple of times, and that was a real blessing to me (especially since I don’t like ironing).
• Offer to do the dishes. Even when life is normal, it’s easy to let the dishes pile up. If they have reservations, offer to do them together. It’s a chance for you to help and offer a listening ear at the same time.

Outside

• Mow the lawn/shovel the snow/rake the leaves. Depending on the season and where you live, all of these things need to be done regularly.
• Weed the vegetable or flower gardens. Pick the produce. Gardens will take on a life of their own if not tended to, and when well-tended, they can be a joy to behold.
• Check if there are any unfinished projects that you can finish – painting a deck, landscaping, etc. Sometimes things happen right in the middle of those projects and there’s not time or desire to finish them.

Other suggestions

• Offer to sit with or visit with the ill person. This works to give the caregiver a break, but it’s also wonderful to share some memories together.
• Send cards to brighten the day for both the patient and the caregiver. Or ask if there are any special treats the patient can have. It just lets them know you’re thinking of them. I have every card sent to Dave/us during his illness and after his death, and I pull them out occasionally to reread.

After a death, especially for the first year:

• Ask how the person is doing. Don’t act as if nothing has happened. Life has gone on, but their loved one is never far from their thoughts.
• Share stories about the person who has died. For me, it’s a sense of comfort when people talk about Dave. I haven’t forgotten him, and I don’t want others to either.
• Send a card or e-mail, or make a phone call, on key anniversaries, birthdays, holidays and other special occasions. For the family, these are important dates and the first ones without their loved one.